Many years ago, a wise therapist once said to me “Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach them where the door is”. ..
Did you ever wonder why some people have no personal boundaries and some have too many? Also how some have no self-awareness when someone’s personal space is invaded (the rule is anything less than 2-3 feet of physical distance is invasive).
Personal boundaries are defined as the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. Those parameter settings help us feel emotionally and psychologically safe. When someone oversteps them, they are essentially letting you know that what you wanted didn’t matter, what they wanted did matter, and respecting your boundaries was only an option. The decision to establish boundaries is one of the most empowering things we can incorporate into our lives. It tells us we matter.
As you try to teach people how to treat you by deciding what behaviors you will and won’t accept, you must first identify and define what your own needs and limits are. Take the time to reflect on the areas of your life that interfere with your health, family, work, or self-care so you can recognize where and when you may not have protected yourself and your well-being.
Once you communicate your clear boundaries, you can avoid over-explaining or apologizing. You are then able to enforce those boundaries by following through with stated consequences to protect your mind, body, and spirit. It may feel uncomfortable at first or cause guilt, but setting clear boundaries speaks to your own self-respect and sense of self. It will serve to honor what you need in your relationships and interactions with others.
Start small! Once you recognize your needs, you can begin by setting boundaries in less intense situations in order to build self-confidence. Also understand why a boundary is necessary for your well-being so you feel secure when facing push-back.
Implementing the 4 “C”s of setting firm boundaries is a good place to start. They refer to Courage, Communication, Clarity, and Consistency that speaks to and protects our emotional health. Those 4 disciplines allow us to advocate for our needs within its parameters.
COURAGE-Be brave enough to advocate for your own needs and values by finding the inner strength and self-awareness to set limits and prioritize those needs even when it feels difficult.
COMMUNICATION- Conduct open and honest conversations by emphasizing your needs early, clearly, and directly. Stay calm and polite, use “I” statements, and keep it simple.
CLARITY-Learn to use precise and clear language. This will ensure others understand your expectations as well as your limits which will help avoid misunderstandings. Don’t apologize or personalize. Just be clear!
CONSISTENCY– Align your actions with your words! When you uphold your boundaries, you will be able to reinforce and maintain them effectively with your follow-through. Expect discomfort!
SO ultimately, how do we establish firm boundaries to protect our mind, body, and spirit? We do so by honoring our need to feel safe, respected, and confident in all our interactions.
Healthy boundaries will also serve to improve our overall health and wellbeing. If you give all you have and lose yourself in the process, implementing limits are essential. Remember limits won’t scare those who respect you. Just be aware that “NO” can be a complete sentence!