The Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said “ If you care about what other people think of you, you will always be their prisoner”. The quote implies that constantly seeking validation and approval from others often results in making decisions and living life based on their expectations, rather than one’s own desires and values. This mindset ultimately leads to feeling controlled or restricted by the opinions of others. It strips us of our autonomy, self reliance, and the ability to live authentically in our own way. True self esteem feels like a solidness at the core of your being. It is a virtue, not a deficit. It is being truly at ease and at peace with the knowledge that you matter and you’re acceptable just as you are.
If you grew into adulthood with damaged self esteem, it’s because you received negative messages about yourself that were distorted, shaming, or invalidating to your self worth. Some circumstances that could have led you to grow up with feelings of insecurity or inadequacy include:
- Overly critical parents
- Physical and emotional abuse or neglect
- Childhood trauma and loss
- Parental substance abuse
- Parental rejection
- Parental overindulgence or overprotectiveness
For those who have carried a livelong sense of insecurity, the way to self worth involves developing the ability to give yourself what your parents could not. When you realize it is possible to become a good parent to yourself by overcoming the deficits from your past, you will be able to recognize and embrace your own inner strength.
Here are some ways you can build self esteem:
- Write down at least 5 things you like about yourself. Don’t be modest!
- Learn to master something to make you feel good about yourself. It could be as simple as a cupcake recipe or as challenging as a competitive sport. Achieving a goal is key to your self confidence.
- List 10 things you know how to do (Anything!) Recognize where you shine!
- Give yourself a positive affirmation. Affirmations have the power to recalibrate your psychic history. Repeat to yourself every day in order to give your subconscious time to accept and integrate it. You can start with one of these:
“I am the hero/heroine in my life story”
“I love and value my own uniqueness”
“I am lovable and able to love others”
“I love and accept myself as I am”
You can also make up your own personal affirmation that speaks especially to you. Be persistent and consistent with the daily repetition.
Remember developing a healthy self love allows us to accept love from others without questioning what they see in us or why they love us, so reflect on those moments when you’ve felt good about yourself and embrace the sense of strength, self acceptance, and serenity that filled you. It will pull you up and allow you to realize your own uniqueness. Let’s celebrate you!
Irene C. Lebbad, MSW, LCSW, CIMHP
The Center for Intrapersonal Wellness, LLC
2 North Rd, Ste 3
Warren NJ 07059